Mom Smells Like Vodka: Our Tooth Fairy Sucks.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Our Tooth Fairy Sucks.

I don't know if there is, in fact, one Tooth Fairy, or a squadron of them assigned to different regions. It must be the latter, because while a lot of children seem to have their recently liberated chompers expeditiously collected, Sophie has recently found that our Tooth Fairy is rather inept at remembering to visit our house.

After the third (wince) failure of the grand TF, we decided we'd have to take measures to make sure poor Sophie was compensated for her lost teeth. We decided to get legal on the Tooth Fairy's Ass.

Here is Sophie's "Petition for Compensation of Tooth Forfeiture." I hope you have good eyesight.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...: the whole thing cracks me up, but the 'love you' is priceless; May 11, 2008 at 2:24 PM

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Hi. My name is Jack. I'm six.

My likes:
*Eggo waffles *People who will let me smell their hair *Riding in my wagon *Leaning over the side of my wagon and licking the wheels *Licking playground equipment *Bob Marley *Ray Charles *Wearing very soft pants

My dislikes:
*Diaper changes *Using the toilet *Eating food items that require chewing *Going to bed *Baby gates *Having my ears, face, head, hands, or feet touched *Caterpillars *Keeping my shoes, socks, and/or shirt on at the grocery store *Grocery shopping *Driving to the grocery store *Clowns

I'm Sophie.

I'm seven. I'm thirteen months older than Jack.
My likes:
*princesses *girl's apparel *hats *shoes *jewelry *make-up *reading books about princesses *writing my numbers and letters *riding my princess bike *pouring spoilable liquids into my plastic tea set and leaving pieces of it throughout the house*using obscene amounts of toilet paper *coloring

My dislikes:
*Jack getting into my room *the "rilly fustrating" nature of dealing with two brothers *being told not to tattle *being told not to climb up the kitchen door frame *being banned from nail polish for painting my dresser with it *

I'm Noel. I'm eleven.

Even though my Mom keeps forgetting and telling people I'm seven.

My likes:
*riding my bike *collecting gemstones and rocks *reading books like "Where Did I Come From," and "What's happening to My Body?" *hanging out with my friends *teaching Jack new tricks and signs *taking swimming lessons *microwave burritos

My dislikes:
*Sophie tattling on me *people telling me I have "beautiful curls" *having beautiful curls *getting out of bed before 10 a.m. *bloody noses *putting my dirty clothes in the laundry basket; it's really, really difficult.

Michelle Bachmann is an IDIOT. Fact.

"We're running out of rich people in this country."
"Literally, if we took away the minimum wage—if conceivably it was gone—we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level."
Of the high-speed rail plan: "It is a brand new, billion-dollar high speed train that is going to go from Disneyland up to Las Vegas. A billion dollars of a widow's money to go to pay for a brand new ride essentially from Disneyland to Las Vegas. Harry Reid, the Senator from Nevada, was behind this measure, and it makes us wonder, is he more interested in making sure kids start gambling at younger ages?"
On Pajamas TV: "I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out then under another Democrat president Jimmy Carter. And I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence."