Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Jobs! Jobs! Jobs! It's almost impossible to be unemployed right now!

I recently made the transition from impending college graduate to unemployed college graduate/loser.

Truth be told, I am a bit selective in my choices of positions for which I will apply. Nevertheless, there is a veritable foaming sea of potential jobs surging and swelling at my well-qualified feet.

For my fellow unemployed cohorts, I offer the following list of gems, culled from the treasure chest of local jobs I like to call:

(The aforementioned title as posted on a reputable job bank site. Who needs writers and editors? Really?)

Required skills include: good manual dexterity, the ability to sit for 8-10 hours per day, ability to see small parts, and a good/positive attitude.
-I don't know about you, but I have an excellent attitude about my ability to see small parts. That's fifty percent of the requirements right there. This could be golden.

It's not just regular cashiering, it's cashiering in a cage!
According to the posting, "
Cage cashiers must at all times conduct themselves in a manner, which absolutely avoids even the appearance of wrongdoing."
-Yeah. If I look over at Cage Cashier #2, and she's wearing camel-toe pants, and I have a mocking thought, I'm going to realize that I'm thinking mean things, and I'm going to look guilty about that. I don't want to get locked in the cage overnight for looking guilty. I don't know about this one. It sounds dangerous.

Education required: *blank* Experience required: "None."
-So I guess it might be a good idea to find out which clinic is hiring for the aforementioned position, so that you could NOT go there. Also, I'm surprised, frankly, that "must floss as though attempting to commit homicide by means of causing hemorrhagic gums" isn't a standard qualification.

Of note: this job requires passing an exam, and offers a clothing/uniform allowance.
-The position of "lawn applicator", presumably, involves the application of lawns onto other surfaces. I want a lawn on top of my regular lawn, so that when one gets dried out in the summer, I can just peel it back to expose the under-lawn.

Must be able to measure using a standard ruler.
-Apparently, none but math majors need apply.

Requirements: "mechanical experinece in small engine and light equipment. must know how to weld also... must be albe to lift 75 lbs."
-I have no experinece with being a mechaic, but I am TOTALLY albe to lift 74 pounds!

-I think this is what I already am. In fact, I am the merchandise buyer of a good many items, and have broad experience in buying merchandise. Yesterday I bought some expensive cheese, and it was not good, so I would not pursue a position as "Merchandise Buyer -- Cheese," but I think I could handle denim.

Isn't this just a fancy way of saying "shopper"?
Some people would be very mad that I said that.

-If you are a computer, someone in Esko wants to hire you. This is a hedgy option. You never know if it's a request from someone who wants to word process on you, or look at clown porn. At the end of the day, you need to be able to respect yourself.

That's it. Good luck job hunting, or staking your fortunes on the outcomes of lottery ticket purchases. The odds of finding a winner in either pursuit appear to be roughly similar.