Thursday, September 27, 2007

In honor of Bush's declaration of the demise of Nelson Mandela,
(cut and paste this- it's SO worth it!)

I propose that myself and other interested parties seek to establish a fund for research aimed at developing medication or therapies to cure "stupid".

Clearly, it's a condition plaguing humans on all levels of society.
Maybe we can have a bake sale to get things going.

Let's scrap all the primary candidates and start over.

I'm less than thrilled with the pool of democratic candidates for office- specifically those receiving the most intense levels of support. I propose beginning anew with a fresh batch of faces. Naturally, I have a few compelling characters in mind:

Steve Buscemi. I have always respected his versatility as an actor. Additionally, he has a weird face that I feel confident he could contort in such a way as to be intimidating to potentially aggressive entities. I think it would be a definite upgrade to go from a president who truly IS crazy to one who merely looks it.

Gary Coleman. We elected Norm Coleman; I don't see how Gary could be any worse.

Michelle Bachmann. She could hastily bring on the Rapture and I REALLY need a new minivan.

Abraham Lincoln. This is Sophie's suggestion. Apparently she doesn't understand the concept of "dead." Also, she refers to him as "Abraham Lincoln Hamilton".

Samus from Metroid Prime. This is Noel's suggestion.

Ewan MacGregor. With the stipulation that he must wear a kilt for all official events. Who wouldn't mind staring at his pretty face for four years?

Janet Reno. Admittedly, I endorse her solely because I miss seeing Will Ferrell do Reno sketches on SNL. SNL requires a mandate for change and I think electing Reno might be just the catalyst required.

The cousin of the girl who sat behind me in Tuesday night class last semester. I was told he was a chronic meth addict and alcoholic, but was "SO smart about politics and stuff." On second thought, that sounds a bit too much like Bush. With the exception of being smart.

Mari Winsor. She's flexible- that's an important trait in a leader, essential to nurturing compromise between disparate entities.

The girl who invented that microwave bacon apparatus. She's obviously a freaking genius. The government could use a genius.

My first grade teacher, Mrs. Lutkevich. She kept peace in a classroom of seven-year-old children and instilled a sense of motivation and pride in us. She taught me that helping others was rewarding, math could be fun, and hiding on top of file cabinets and making the classroom dolls hump each other was not behaviorally sound.

Clinton, schminton. Let's broaden our prospective pool of candidates and contemplate some REAL contenders, this election year.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Mark your calendars RIGHT NOW!

We all know Halloween is coming up, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, but there are IMPORTANT observances that many of us woefully fail to recognize.

The following is a poignant reminder of some of the most influential observances we should all try a little harder to acknowledge:

National Soup Month: This month, no one is supposed to eat anything but soup. I think some lousy people do not respect this directive. Well, Campbells will have their traitor asses, one day.

(12-17) National Condom Week. EVERYONE but you is wearing a condom. All week. 24/7. Get with it!

(5-7) National Sleep Awareness Week. Be aware of your sleep! It's dreaming about doing really icky things with David Caruso. What's wrong with his head?

Sports Eye Safety Month. Every day, nineteen thousand people's eyes are poked out by medicine balls. You might think that a person almost has to be TRYING, to have this happen.
You think this way because you are IGNORANT about matters of sports eye safety. Educate yourself.

People get really bored this month; that is why it is both Creative Romance Month AND An Affair to Remember Month. Remember, it isn't cheating if it's a semi-officially sanctioned national observance event!

National Turkey Lovers Month: I thought that was November, but apparently, HARD CORE turkey lovers know that it is June. Baste away.

National Anti-Boredom month: Everyone is required to download a copy of Tetris and consume copious quantities of uppers.
*it should be noted that July 2nd is National "I Forgot" Day, so if you lose July 2nd, that's because it was ordained that you would do so by powers beyond your control. It's all good.

National Admit You're Happy Month: You know you are, so just stop lying already. At least for August. If you're really not happy, lie and enthusiastically assert that you are; you might start to believe yourself. Or you might suffer an existential breakdown in the middle of Costco, next to a display of Diamond brand walnuts that seem to be mocking you for the shallow substance that comprises the utter sham of a life that you have constructed for yourself. Walnuts are assholes.

National Preparedness Month: You must be prepared. For things. The government says so. Buy many cans of tuna and stockpile them under your bed.

"Talk About Prescriptions" Month:
This is a month for old people. They love it. When an elderly person standing in line behind you at the grocery store starts a conversation with you about how Detrol has NOT reduced their urge to urinate, AND it's causing painful gas and skin flaking, you are morally obligated to listen politely and not grimace.

(4th) Waiting For the Barbarians day. You may be waiting in vain, but it's only ONE day, so I think you can suck it up. If this day disappoints, remember that November 28th is "Make Your Own Head Day." Apparently, those of us who are displeased with our current heads are encouraged to make new ones on this day. THAT is time well spent!

It's not National SweetBabyJesusDiedForOurSins Month. It's Bingo month. Bust out your dobber and your Virginia Slims ultra-lights, and prepare for some INSANE bingo action.

National "Months!" or "Weeks!" or "Days!"
Observe them or you hate America!

Monday, September 10, 2007

Freedom isn't Free! It's $3 an hour per 4 y/o boy!

I have been waiting. No, I have been WAAAAIIIITING for the start of the new school year.

For me, the resumption of school means two-hundred-and-ten minutes per morning with NO kids at home; three -and-a-half unbroken hours in which I can frolic with unbridled joy, reveling in the solitude that September finally affords me. I can enjoy wild, unabashed, trivial pursuits like bathing and doing my own homework.

My anticipation of free time has proved painfully slow to be realized.

Noel started school last Tuesday. Sophie started Kindergarten on Thursday. I THOUGHT Jack started preschool on Tuesday, but found out he did not start until today.

This morning was hectic and frustrating. Jack screamed and flailed madly when I tried to brush his teeth. Noel lost his shoes. Sophie told me she left her jacket at school. It was about forty degrees, and no one wanted to wear pants.

In the back of my mind a small voice whispered, "it's okay- they're ALL going to school today. You will have your peace. Just shove them in the van and GO!"

And so I did. And as I approached the elementary school, intent on unloading the first two of my three spawn, I wondered why people were walking AWAY from the building. It didn't matter, though. All that mattered was that I was unloading those little suckers and then I was going home ALONE!

And then I saw the sign: "POWER OUTAGE. NO SCHOOL TODAY!"

I shuddered.

The school nurse was standing on the lawn. I rolled down my window.

"Nooooooo!" I hollered, "You HAVE to take them! I brought them here! I will go get candles!"

That earned me little more than guffaws and a friendly wave from the nurse.

And so we went home. And I didn't get my quiet time. Or my shower. And I do believe the leisure time gods are crapping on me from above and laughing.