We all know Halloween is coming up, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, but there are IMPORTANT observances that many of us woefully fail to recognize.
The following is a poignant reminder of some of the most influential observances we should all try a little harder to acknowledge:
National Soup Month: This month, no one is supposed to eat anything but soup. I think some lousy people do not respect this directive. Well, Campbells will have their traitor asses, one day.
(12-17) National Condom Week. EVERYONE but you is wearing a condom. All week. 24/7. Get with it!
(5-7) National Sleep Awareness Week. Be aware of your sleep! It's dreaming about doing really icky things with David Caruso. What's wrong with his head?
Sports Eye Safety Month. Every day, nineteen thousand people's eyes are poked out by medicine balls. You might think that a person almost has to be TRYING, to have this happen.
You think this way because you are IGNORANT about matters of sports eye safety. Educate yourself.
People get really bored this month; that is why it is both Creative Romance Month AND An Affair to Remember Month. Remember, it isn't cheating if it's a semi-officially sanctioned national observance event!
National Turkey Lovers Month: I thought that was November, but apparently, HARD CORE turkey lovers know that it is June. Baste away.
National Anti-Boredom month: Everyone is required to download a copy of Tetris and consume copious quantities of uppers.
*it should be noted that July 2nd is National "I Forgot" Day, so if you lose July 2nd, that's because it was ordained that you would do so by powers beyond your control. It's all good.
National Admit You're Happy Month: You know you are, so just stop lying already. At least for August. If you're really not happy, lie and enthusiastically assert that you are; you might start to believe yourself. Or you might suffer an existential breakdown in the middle of Costco, next to a display of Diamond brand walnuts that seem to be mocking you for the shallow substance that comprises the utter sham of a life that you have constructed for yourself. Walnuts are assholes.
National Preparedness Month: You must be prepared. For things. The government says so. Buy many cans of tuna and stockpile them under your bed.
"Talk About Prescriptions" Month:
This is a month for old people. They love it. When an elderly person standing in line behind you at the grocery store starts a conversation with you about how Detrol has NOT reduced their urge to urinate, AND it's causing painful gas and skin flaking, you are morally obligated to listen politely and not grimace.
(4th) Waiting For the Barbarians day. You may be waiting in vain, but it's only ONE day, so I think you can suck it up. If this day disappoints, remember that November 28th is "Make Your Own Head Day." Apparently, those of us who are displeased with our current heads are encouraged to make new ones on this day. THAT is time well spent!
It's not National SweetBabyJesusDiedForOurSins Month. It's Bingo month. Bust out your dobber and your Virginia Slims ultra-lights, and prepare for some INSANE bingo action.
National "Months!" or "Weeks!" or "Days!"
Observe them or you hate America!