Wednesday, November 14, 2007

It's almost that season; time for gift lists!

Every year, family members request I supply lists of items my spawn would appreciate receiving during holiday gift exchanges. I understand their logic; providing some guidelines for what the kids are presently "in to" or in need of is a helpful way to streamline shopping and assure that purchases are aptly selected.

Nevertheless, every year the kids accumulate a daunting amount of toys, clothes, and other goodies, and ultimately end up favoring items I'd never have expected them to.

This year, I'm reflecting on what my kids REALLY like to do and which things they actually find use for, and I'm basing my lists off these insights. Mom, dad, grandparents, I humbly submit:


-Jeans with rips in the knees and draggy-pieces hanging off the ankles.
-T-shirts that are too small and have extremely ugly dragons on them.
-Socks that have enough elasticity in the ankles to be employed as slingshots, aimed at Sophie's head.
-A jacket without a hood that is entirely insufficient for our winter climate, the use of which will probably result in his sustaining frostbite, frostnip, or some kind of weather-related rash.
-Balls of lint to add to the growing collection under his bed.
-Electrical cords. It doesn't matter what they attach to, he just really likes to have a lot of loose cords laying around his room.
-Any book focused on bodily functions/excrement/flatulence, etc.
-America's Funniest Home Videos on DVD. Somehow the unfunniest show on television NEVER gets old, where he's concerned.
-Tights sufficient to clothe a small dance troupe.
-Underwear that is one size too small.
-Jeans that are about two inches too short. (If they fit appropriately, she will insist they are "too big.")
-Formal gowns (for daily wear).
-My make-up
-My bras
-My scarves, gloves, and hats.
-Naked Barbies
-Glass cleaning wipes.
-Whatever toilet paper is most likely to clog up our plumbing.
-Shoes that can easily be removed and tossed during grocery shopping trips.
-Hats with tassles that can be chewed to a crusty nub.
-Shirts with collars that can be chewed to crusty nubs.
-Pan lids.
-A toilet.
-A box of crackers that can accommodate the size of Jack's head.
-A clothes hamper for throwing garbage in.
-A garbage for throwing clothes in.
-The mailman.

I hope this helps! I wish you the best of luck in your shopping endeavors.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

How well do you know Minnesota law?

:the delineation of rules that serve to protect and better us as a society and as individuals.

Without them, chaos would ensue like a game of first-grade dodgeball gone horribly awry. Or like the early-bird sale at Wal-Mart on Black Friday, if the amassed psychotic shoppers were further agitated by meth-laced sugar cookies and promises of dollar-off coupons for Aqua Dots.

How well do you know the laws with which you must comply? In the state of Minnesota, we have many compelling obligations as citizens. I accept, among my responsibilities, the duty to enlighten you, with regard to a few of the most pressing and affecting laws on the books.

In the land of 10,00 lakes:

It is illegal to stand around any building without a good reason to be there.
(People do this ALL the time. Look at their faces; they know they're guilty. They WANT to be helped.)

It is illegal to sleep naked.
(I'm not entirely opposed to this idea applying to the likes of Norm Coleman.)

Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head.
(This has been a real problem. It is also why I have (unsuccessfully) lobbied for a border patrol presence on the Blatnik and Bong bridges.)

Red cars may not drive down Lake Street. (Minneapolis)
(Maroon is fine, but NOT red. Obviously. Only brazen, garish sorts of people would do this, anyway.)

Driving a truck with dirty tires is considered a public nuisance. (Minnetonka)
(This might be the crowning centerpiece of Michelle Bachmann's legislative efforts.)

Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays. (St. Cloud)
(Beef, in general, is an affront to the baby Jesus. Patties are, as well. Put them together and you have HERESY!)

Texas, however offers some equally stringent and important instances of legal prowess:

In the Lonestar state:

It is illegal to sell one's eye.
(Because then someone else could see all your thoughts.)

A program has been created in the state that attempts to control the weather.
(I don't know why this is a "law"; regardless, Texas would like it to rain orange Hi-C, and efforts are underway to make it so.)

Up to a felony charge can be levied for promoting the use of, or owning more than six dildos.
(Five is Godly. Six is just whorish.)

The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
(Also, because it suggests that weather is an uncontrollable phenomenon. Liars!)

It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster. (Clarendon)
(This is actually an evil plot between the city of Clarendon and the manufacturer of the Swiffer line of products, to take over the world.)

A recently passed anti-crime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
(It's only polite, really, y'all.)

While some citizens mockingly disregard these legal covenants, that doesn't mean we have to allow the further perpetuation of such egregious behavior, watching helplessly as anarchy commences to overtake our communities. The next time you see someone driving a truck with dirty tires in Minnetonka, do the responsible thing; run them off the road and make a citizen's arrest.

The world can be a better place when we all step up to assure our laws are being respected.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Link to my article in Exceptional Parent Magazine:

I wrote an article for the magazine which was published in the November online edition.
It's not humorous, but a depiction of my experiences as the mom of a child with Downs, from diagnosis to the present. From the link, click on "read more," under "top story".

You can cut and paste the following to access the article: