Tuesday, November 13, 2007

How well do you know Minnesota law?

:the delineation of rules that serve to protect and better us as a society and as individuals.

Without them, chaos would ensue like a game of first-grade dodgeball gone horribly awry. Or like the early-bird sale at Wal-Mart on Black Friday, if the amassed psychotic shoppers were further agitated by meth-laced sugar cookies and promises of dollar-off coupons for Aqua Dots.

How well do you know the laws with which you must comply? In the state of Minnesota, we have many compelling obligations as citizens. I accept, among my responsibilities, the duty to enlighten you, with regard to a few of the most pressing and affecting laws on the books.

In the land of 10,00 lakes:

It is illegal to stand around any building without a good reason to be there.
(People do this ALL the time. Look at their faces; they know they're guilty. They WANT to be helped.)

It is illegal to sleep naked.
(I'm not entirely opposed to this idea applying to the likes of Norm Coleman.)

Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head.
(This has been a real problem. It is also why I have (unsuccessfully) lobbied for a border patrol presence on the Blatnik and Bong bridges.)

Red cars may not drive down Lake Street. (Minneapolis)
(Maroon is fine, but NOT red. Obviously. Only brazen, garish sorts of people would do this, anyway.)

Driving a truck with dirty tires is considered a public nuisance. (Minnetonka)
(This might be the crowning centerpiece of Michelle Bachmann's legislative efforts.)

Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays. (St. Cloud)
(Beef, in general, is an affront to the baby Jesus. Patties are, as well. Put them together and you have HERESY!)

Texas, however offers some equally stringent and important instances of legal prowess:

In the Lonestar state:

It is illegal to sell one's eye.
(Because then someone else could see all your thoughts.)

A program has been created in the state that attempts to control the weather.
(I don't know why this is a "law"; regardless, Texas would like it to rain orange Hi-C, and efforts are underway to make it so.)

Up to a felony charge can be levied for promoting the use of, or owning more than six dildos.
(Five is Godly. Six is just whorish.)

The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
(Also, because it suggests that weather is an uncontrollable phenomenon. Liars!)

It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster. (Clarendon)
(This is actually an evil plot between the city of Clarendon and the manufacturer of the Swiffer line of products, to take over the world.)

A recently passed anti-crime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
(It's only polite, really, y'all.)

While some citizens mockingly disregard these legal covenants, that doesn't mean we have to allow the further perpetuation of such egregious behavior, watching helplessly as anarchy commences to overtake our communities. The next time you see someone driving a truck with dirty tires in Minnetonka, do the responsible thing; run them off the road and make a citizen's arrest.

The world can be a better place when we all step up to assure our laws are being respected.


Cyndee said...

I feel the need to educate you on the laws of the land for your neighbor to the right.

In Wisconsin:

It is illegal to serve apple pie in public restaurants without cheese. (I think serving anything cheeseless is forbidden)

In Kenoshsa no male is allowed to be in a state of arousal in public.

In La Crosse you cannot "worry" a squirrel. (???)

In Milwaukee, if one is thought of as offensive looking, it is illegal for him to be in public during the day. (hmmm... ever been to Summerfest?! Oh, and all you West Allicans better think twice!!)

In Racine missiles may not be shot at parade participants. (I feel safer because of this)

In St. Croix women are not allowed to wear anything red in public. (hussy!!)

In Sun Prairie cats are forbidden from entering cemeteries.

And, one from Champaign, IL as a bonus: One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth. (clearly this was a problem solved only via the legislative process)

Tall Drink of Water said...

It is illegal, under California law, for a vehicle without a driver to exceed 60 mph. I feel so much safer on the California freeway system, knowing that law is in place.


Anonymous said...

Rabbits may not be shot from motorboats.
Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.
No one may catch fish with his bare hands.
The state game rule prohibits the use of mules to hunt ducks.
If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.

It is illegal for the owner of a bar to allow anyone inside to pretend to have sex with a buffalo.
Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state.
Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.
Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another’s hamburger.
It is against the law to read a comic book while operating a motor vehicle.Whaling is illegal.
It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots.
Residents are taxed for the furniture in their homes, and any other personal belongings.
People who make “ugly faces” at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.
Cars must be tethered outside of public buildings.
***ral sex is a misdemeanor and is punisable by one year in jail and a $2,500 fine.***
Anyone arrested for soliciting a hooker must have their name and picture shown on television.
It’s statutory rape for a man over 18 to have sex with a female under the age of 18, provided she’s a virgin. So,,, if she's not a virgin, the law does not apply,,? Confused.(This law has been repealed. The age of consent is 16)
Tattoos are banned. (Repealed, Effective 11/1/2006. Tattoos are now legal in Oklahoma!)No one may spit on a sidewalk.It is illegal to wear your boots to bed.
***It is illegal to have sex before you are married.***
Fish may not be contained in fishbowls while on a public bus.
Tissues are not to be found in the back of one’s car.
What the heck do people think of? These things were such a problem,,, that these laws have to be put on the books.
Here is the link to the site I got this info fromhttp://www.dumblaws.com/laws/united-states/alabama