Friday, January 4, 2008

Iowa! New Hampshire! Iowa! New Hampshire!

A person barely need flip beyond the radiant blip that is CNN to ascertain that the news out of Ohio today has brought the upcoming presidential election into sharp focus.

Emerging as victors in Iowa, Huckabee and Obama still face an arduous tug-of war against the opposing candidates for their respective party nominations.

I spent a portion of the day viewing political news and analysis, along with *BREAKING!!!!!* news tidbits from CNN. As a result, I have determined that both Huckabee and Obama's ongoing campaigns fail to address issues of compelling concern to the general American public. Based on my observations of what comprises "newsworthy" subjects (via CNN,) I submit that in order to address the REAL concerns of the public, the winning candidate must develop plans to address:

1. The need to properly secure tigers in their cages at zoos to prevent the animals' escape and ensuing massacre of innocent civilian zoo-goers.

2. Britney Spear's myriad chemical and mental health issues. Clearly, her every action has apocalyptic impact on the welfare of our greater nation. I could not eat my lunch today due to the fact that there was Britney-drama ongoing. I was immensely distraught and became light-headed and nauseous due to my overwhelming distress.

3. Speculation. There is not enough speculating going on in this country. We need more people to do more speculating. About everything. Speculating solves problems.

4. The weather. The weather is REALLY shitty in a number of locations, nationwide. The effective presidential candidate will develop a plan to fix it. It would be particularly advisable (hint, hint, Obama...) if they could promise to make it rain apricot nectar and snow colors.

5. Someone needs to dissect the window-washer who fell approximately 300 stories and survived. I find it thoroughly difficult to comprehend how not a SINGLE presidential candidate has noted the likelihood that this man has bionic technology inside his body and should be taken apart to acquire the technology for military purposes.

6. Amy Fisher's sex tape. There are some people who should simply not be circulating sex tapes involving themselves. I think Amy Fisher qualifies. Also, Dustin Diamond. We need legislation banning Fisher and Diamond from circulating any nude images of themselves.

7. Jamie Lynn Spears' pregnancy. Since she's famous and makes about 150 times more money than an average adult, her condition counts as 150 teen pregnancies. That's really gross. Candidates need to develop a plan for preventing fornication among Nickelodeon tween-stars.

That' s a start, anyway. I'm not being paid as a campaign strategist, so if any candidates would like further advice on how to topple the opposition this November, they'll have to contact me directly to make arrangements.
I will add, though, (as a little bonus) that Huckabee needs to change his name. It's waaay too easy to mock. It's so easy it's not even fun.

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