Saturday, December 1, 2007

I Have Been Science-ing and Have Made Profound Discoveries.

I have always considered science to be an area in which I am less than prone to brilliance. I am turning thirty in couple of weeks, and have been examining myself in all sorts of existential, aesthetic, and aromatic regards.

I have determined that one of the foremost efforts I would like to make in bettering myself concerns my well-roundedness. Not my boobs, tyvm, but my overall knowledge and versatility as a human being.

As such, I spent a length of time today (approximately an hour and a half) engaged in lofty scientific thought and hypothesis and have realized that it is really not that difficult to unearth novel and startling assertions of the nature of scientific stuff.

Thus, I present to you:


1. Tryptophan causes strep throat.

Evidence: Last week, I ate a lot of turkey. Turkey has tryptophan in it. I have strep throat.
Formulaicly: T(tryptophan) + E (eating of it) = ST[cr] (strep throat and possibly crying)

2. Microwave popcorn manufacturers are financially backed by prosthetic arm manufacturers.

Evidence: I was making some popcorn. I opened the bag. Steam poured out and burned my arm, causing me to swing the viciously stinging appendage in a haphazard manner, slamming it into the side of the microwave off of which a large bowl fell, shattering into large, dagger-sharp pieces which could have severed my arm. I would have needed a prosthetic arm, had mine been severed and impossible to reattach. Prosthetic arms are expensive.

Formulaicly: Mp(microwave popcorn) + C (cooking it) + SoAwBfoM (slicing off arm with bowl that fell off microwave) = P (prosthetic arm)

3. George Bush stole the turn signal from my minivan.

Evidence: Someone stole the turn signal off my minivan while it was parked in our driveway. I have seen no reference to Bush's whereabouts at the time my blinker light was stolen. Bush's car seems to have a turn signal. Bush likes to steal things like oil and our children's legacy.

Formulaicly: Mt (missing turn signal) + Nba (no Bush alibi) + Bt (Bush has a turn signal) + Bs (Bush is a stealer) = BsT (Bush stole my turn signal.)

4. I could totally take Condoleeza Rice.

Evidence: I am a lot taller than Condoleeza Rice. I am a lot younger than Condoleeza Rice. I have much cheaper clothing and shoes than Condoleeza Rice, and would not care if they were damaged in a scrap with her.

Formulaicly: T(taller than CR) + Y (younger than CR) Cc (cheaper duds than CR) = Tt (I could totally take Condoleeza Rice.)

5. Changing diapers is a man's job.

Evidence: Diapers, like men, are prone to horrific odors. Diaper changing involves spatial skills (which are typically a male-oriented strength) due to the necessity of proper orientation of the diaper and tabs. Men typically have better arm strength- a necessity for baby butt lifting at the wiping stage of a diaper change.

Formulaicly: O(parallel incidence of male/diaper odors) + S (male spatial skills) + As (superior male arm strength) = Md (men are better designed for the task of changing diapers)

There you have it- scientific delineations of a profound nature from a new, more well-rounded Lara. Tomorrow, I may tackle the intricacies of mathematic principles, using many large numbers and symbols including +, %, /, and my personal favorite, these things: [ ]


mom said...

Hi Lara,

Very funny! You must be feeling better. Is this what you do when you don't feel like hitting the books? Guess you'll be needing a new bowl for Christmas.
Love, Mom

Lara said...

Hey, Mom,
*This* is what I do when I finish writing a paper (that is boring) and need to write something mentally cathartic; I have to keep my studious and goofy selves in balance, lest the cosmos should weep.

My throat is just about back to normal. My antibiotics run out today, so I suppose that means I should expect a relapse on or around Friday, huh? :D

I am happy to report that no one appears to be particularly ill, today. Finally.

Now that I've effectively jinxed us all, I should go do some Work work.