Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Euthanizing Mrs. Butterworth.

Jack won't eat anything except toaster waffles.

He has speech delays and can't verbally ask me, so when he wants one, he brings me the bottle of Mrs. Butterworth syrup. He's hoisted that smug plastic hussy into my lap no less than five times, today. What's even worse is that I have to pack him a lunch for preschool, starting tomorrow.

How do I pack a frozen waffle and syrup in a brown paper bag? What will his teachers think if I attempt to make a waffle-and-syrup sandwich? How will they grapple with the apocalyptic hellfire that will rain down if his lunch bag is opened, revealing some abhorrence like a peanut butter sandwich?

On one occasion, I hid Jack's fructose-bellied mistress, in the hopes that he would forget about her and stop demanding waffles constantly. He was so bereaved by her absence that he became borderline manic, and started bringing me random items like hot sauce and selzer from the fridge, seemingly hoping that any bottle vaguely resembling the feminine form would contain syrup.

She might look unassuming and harmless, but Mrs. Butterworth hides a seedy, treacherous secret beneath that plumed plastic skirt. She's as addictive as heroin, with face-sticking properties comparable to cyanoacrylate. She's also non-recyclable in many areas. I think she's trying to populate the world with Mrs. Butterworth bottles. I don't know about you, but that's not the kind of world I want to live in. I think I'm gonna burn Butterworth.

7 comments:

Pirate looks at 50 said...

Just had to let you know, saw yesterday that you were starting this little blog and had to check it out. gotta tell you that i love it. interesting takes on life. Good luck iwth preschool tomorrow.

Lara said...

Hey!
Thanks! I'm glad you found it amusing! I wish I had more advanced technical skills, but alas, I'm not exactly a computer whiz! Cya on the DU!

gormy c. said...

It's time to schedule an intervention. Face it, Jack is firmly in the grip of that evil plastic she-devil.

Nice blog. It's a great outlet for your creative writing skills.

RetroLounge said...

LOL! Glad you are writing this...

Just wanted to say Hi and let you know I bookmarked your blog. I passed the link on to Miss Pie also...

RL

Lara said...

Thanks guys!
Retro- I'm so glad Pie can read it, too!
I miss that girl!

GasWorks said...

fructose-bellied mistress

love it

Lara said...

He likes to suck on her face. There's probably syrup on it, but it's still a strange thing to watch...