So John Edwards had an affair. He might have fathered a child outside of his marriage. It's disappointing for anyone who supported him, but is it shocking in a political context? Probably not. Politicians of every stripe seem compelled to bask in the "dark" privileges that entice those who grasp the brittle reigns of power. What I'm really disappointed about is the lack of creativity in his deviance.
Christianity holds that adultery is a sin. Our leaders are supposed to be upstanding, exceptional individuals, yet so many fall prey to the simple, albeit destructive lure of the flesh.
If John Edwards had to pose sin, I wish he could have picked a more interesting one.
I have examined a list ( http://www.saintaquinas.com/mortal_sin.html) of purported grave and/or mortal sins and culled from such an assemblage of sins that I endorse as "way more interesting than banging a political aide."
Divination, magic and sorcery— "A grave sin which includes attempting to command the powers of the occult, control or speak to demons or spirits (especially Satan), attempting to divine the future, and the use of magic charms."
If a political candidate were found to be stuffing his pockets with "magic charms" and trying to contact spirits or demons, I would probably be MORE inclined to vote for him.
Deliberate failure of the Sunday obligation— "Involves one's failure to praise God and give him thanks..."
I would love it if some political figure spent every Sunday morning at Denny's eating breakfast, then blowing down neighborhood sidewalks on a juiced-up Segway.
Lukewarmness—"Lukewarmness is negligence in response to God’s charity. It can also mean the refusal to give oneself to the prompting of charity."
I would totally back up any political officer who refused to donate money to that snotty boy who comes to my door every year to collect money for Camp Miller. I'm fine with his cause, but he just stands there holding out the box as though he can't talk, and I've heard him talk, because he dropped the f-bomb at another kid while riding his bike past my house last summer.
Theft— To "violate a person’s right to property by theft is a grave sin, especially if the loss of the property will severely hurt the victim The gravity of theft is determined by the harm it does to the victim. "
How funny was it when Winona Ryder got busted for shoplifting? How funny would it be if rather than cheating on his wife, Edwards had gotten arrested for eating grapes out of a produce bin at a Boise Super Wal-mart?
Come on, candidates; let's make this whole "sin and political corruption" business a little more interesting for the viewers at home. It's pretty much your patriotic duty.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
Epic News and the Small-Town Paper.
I had a letter-to-the-editor printed in this week's edition of our local newspaper. This isn't a particularly notable honor, as pretty much any idiot who writes in can get published. The paper is, itself, a source of endless amusement for me. Just this week I found a number of chuckle-worthy examples. I will commence to share them:

The date. I'm often a little bit off, but I'm pretty certain of the month. It's July. And it's not the 28th, either.

There is a pie social upcoming at BethlehAm Church. The name of this church hearkens to a small town outside of Bethlehem. They had a burgeoning pork industry there, but still wanted to capitalize on the whole Jesus bit.

Some timely and newsworthy info. from the contributor who writes the news section pertaining to some of the smaller outlying towns.

The ONLY personal ad in the paper. It runs every single week. Jesus appears to be striking out in the "love" department.

Oh. My. God.
It's only the biggest thing to happen in our town since we got rid of the pony express service;
it's the fiftieth anniversary of the construction of our tourist mecca: THE GAS STATION!

This one just cracks me up because Rick's advertising endeavor employs a minimalist approach and manages to be reasonably grammatical and at least somewhat professional until he gets to the end and offers his finely honed skills of "hauling stuff away".

Sorry, local old people. We wanted to serve you sauerkraut, but we had all this surplus "sauerdraut" we have to use up first.

ALERT! ALERT! Kids are "on the prowl" in Scanlon! Kids NEVER used to do this in the old days!

Anyone who is smart will jump all over this! You can not find quality ceramic rabbits, colorfully dressed, carrying carrots or flowers, for this price! GO! NOW!

The date. I'm often a little bit off, but I'm pretty certain of the month. It's July. And it's not the 28th, either.

There is a pie social upcoming at BethlehAm Church. The name of this church hearkens to a small town outside of Bethlehem. They had a burgeoning pork industry there, but still wanted to capitalize on the whole Jesus bit.

Some timely and newsworthy info. from the contributor who writes the news section pertaining to some of the smaller outlying towns.

The ONLY personal ad in the paper. It runs every single week. Jesus appears to be striking out in the "love" department.

Oh. My. God.
It's only the biggest thing to happen in our town since we got rid of the pony express service;
it's the fiftieth anniversary of the construction of our tourist mecca: THE GAS STATION!

This one just cracks me up because Rick's advertising endeavor employs a minimalist approach and manages to be reasonably grammatical and at least somewhat professional until he gets to the end and offers his finely honed skills of "hauling stuff away".

Sorry, local old people. We wanted to serve you sauerkraut, but we had all this surplus "sauerdraut" we have to use up first.

ALERT! ALERT! Kids are "on the prowl" in Scanlon! Kids NEVER used to do this in the old days!

Anyone who is smart will jump all over this! You can not find quality ceramic rabbits, colorfully dressed, carrying carrots or flowers, for this price! GO! NOW!
Friday, June 13, 2008
Some insights from Sophie.
Sophie took a break this morning to sit down with me for a conversation. We discussed pressing matters of global concern, as well as trivial fodder. The highlights:
There is no such thing as a dragon. There were once dinosaurs on Earth, but they "dried up".
The fiercest among them was the "Trap-asaurus". He stood 250 feet high, with "a little bit of colors on him, huge claws, and that's about it."
Global warming is "when it's very, very warm, and that's bad. If it happens, the global will burn up. If you touch it, it will burn your fingers."
George Bush is "a very bad president and he should go to jail and they should feed him raw horse meat."
It would be nice to travel to France, because they speak "bonjour" there.
There should be a new law so people can not "go over gates, especially the shaky, silver kind that say 'no going over the gate.' If people do that, they should have to go talk to a lawyer with their parents."
"Fashion is good, except for orange clothes. Orange should just be for lipstick."
There's no such thing as Jesus or God. Some people think Jesus is going to fall out of the clouds, and that's ridiculous. Jesus would not be fat enough to fall out of clouds.
Noel would like to throw in a joke that he made up. He's very proud of himself.
Q: What kind of bees make milk?
A: Boo-Bees.
There is no such thing as a dragon. There were once dinosaurs on Earth, but they "dried up".
The fiercest among them was the "Trap-asaurus". He stood 250 feet high, with "a little bit of colors on him, huge claws, and that's about it."
Global warming is "when it's very, very warm, and that's bad. If it happens, the global will burn up. If you touch it, it will burn your fingers."
George Bush is "a very bad president and he should go to jail and they should feed him raw horse meat."
It would be nice to travel to France, because they speak "bonjour" there.
There should be a new law so people can not "go over gates, especially the shaky, silver kind that say 'no going over the gate.' If people do that, they should have to go talk to a lawyer with their parents."
"Fashion is good, except for orange clothes. Orange should just be for lipstick."
There's no such thing as Jesus or God. Some people think Jesus is going to fall out of the clouds, and that's ridiculous. Jesus would not be fat enough to fall out of clouds.
Noel would like to throw in a joke that he made up. He's very proud of himself.
Q: What kind of bees make milk?
A: Boo-Bees.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Ohhhh BAMA! Watch out for McCain!

It seems we FINALLY have a presumed nominee for the Democratic candidacy. Now that the "magic number" has been met by Barack Obama, we can look forward to a lively and spirited campaign for the presidency.
Obama faces a unique challenger in his opponent. In order to get a better feel for what John McCain is all about, I have culled together an "exerview" with the Republican powerhouse, comprised of actual responses from McCain (to other people's questions).
Why are you running for president, Mr. McCain?
"Why am I running for president? Well, my wife, Cindy, says it is because I sustained several severe blows to the head in prison camp."
The war in Iraq is a prominent issue in this campaign season. How many years do you envision our forces continuing hold a presence in Iraq? Two? Four? Ten?
"Make it a hundred...That would be fine with me."
And what do you feel are the pressing domestic social issues that need to be addressed by our next leader?
"It's not social issues I care about."
Okay, well, how about the economy? What do you bring to the table, in terms of a plan for improving the state of the U.S. economy?
"The issue of economics is not something I've understood as well as I should."
Ohhkay... On the subject of health care- we have an aging population of baby boomers in the impending years. What kind of dialogue would you like to create with the public on the issue?
‘The nice thing about Alzheimer’s is you get to hide your own Easter eggs.’”
What are the most fundamental tenets of your platform in this election?
" Leonardo DiCaprio is an androgynous wimp...[and] gambling on amateur athletics is wrong."
It's certainly been noted that you are a much older and more seasoned politician than Mr. Obama. Do you have any words of wisdom that you'd like to share with your opponent, going into the campaign?
“Never get into a wrestling match with a pig. You both get dirty, and the pig likes it.”
Thanks for your time, Mr. McCain.
"Do you know why Chelsea Clinton is so ugly? Because Janet Reno is her father."
Okay, that's just nasty and unnecessary...
"F**k you! I know more about this than anyone else in the room."
Okay, thank you for your answers, sir.
“Thanks for the question, you little jerk."
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Our Tooth Fairy Sucks.
I don't know if there is, in fact, one Tooth Fairy, or a squadron of them assigned to different regions. It must be the latter, because while a lot of children seem to have their recently liberated chompers expeditiously collected, Sophie has recently found that our Tooth Fairy is rather inept at remembering to visit our house.
After the third (wince) failure of the grand TF, we decided we'd have to take measures to make sure poor Sophie was compensated for her lost teeth. We decided to get legal on the Tooth Fairy's Ass.
Here is Sophie's "Petition for Compensation of Tooth Forfeiture." I hope you have good eyesight.
After the third (wince) failure of the grand TF, we decided we'd have to take measures to make sure poor Sophie was compensated for her lost teeth. We decided to get legal on the Tooth Fairy's Ass.
Here is Sophie's "Petition for Compensation of Tooth Forfeiture." I hope you have good eyesight.

Saturday, April 26, 2008
My Fine Dining Foray With the Kids.
Nathaniel is in Wisconsin for a golf tournament this weekend, so I planned to hang with the kids and promised them we'd go out for a special dinner tonight. I told them they could choose the restaurant. I said, "We can go to Southgate [pizzeria], or Mexico Lindo, or the Chinese place- wherever you want to go."
We ended up at Taco John's.
It started out poorly. Sophie wanted fries with her taco. They only sold "potato oles". Jack ran away while I was ordering and sat down in a booth with a strange couple and their child.
Once we got our food, things seemed alright until Jack realized there were cheese shreds in his burrito that were insufficiently melted. He tried to reach over the back of our booth and hand a fistful of sucked-on cheese to the man in the booth behind us.
Then Jack decided that his booster seat was was more comfortable to sit on upside-down, but he kept sliding off and falling under the table. After a while I just gave up and let him eat his food under the table.
After what seemed to be about three-hundred and-eighty-minutes, everyone finished eating and I tried to usher us toward the door, but Jack passionately wanted to use the door on the opposite side of the restaurant. I had to fling him over my shoulder and carry him out of the building.
I put Jack down next to the car and opened the driver's-side door to throw his wrapped-up burrito remnants on the passenger seat. In the three seconds it took me to do so, I realized, Jack had climbed up a curb, hopped the bumper, jumped onto the hood of the car, and was climbing up the windshield, trying to get onto the roof of the car.
On the way home, Sophie said, "Maybe we can go to Dairy Queen tomorrow!"
Yeah. Maybe if DQ offers a kid-sized "horse tranquilizer" blizzard.
We ended up at Taco John's.
It started out poorly. Sophie wanted fries with her taco. They only sold "potato oles". Jack ran away while I was ordering and sat down in a booth with a strange couple and their child.
Once we got our food, things seemed alright until Jack realized there were cheese shreds in his burrito that were insufficiently melted. He tried to reach over the back of our booth and hand a fistful of sucked-on cheese to the man in the booth behind us.
Then Jack decided that his booster seat was was more comfortable to sit on upside-down, but he kept sliding off and falling under the table. After a while I just gave up and let him eat his food under the table.
After what seemed to be about three-hundred and-eighty-minutes, everyone finished eating and I tried to usher us toward the door, but Jack passionately wanted to use the door on the opposite side of the restaurant. I had to fling him over my shoulder and carry him out of the building.
I put Jack down next to the car and opened the driver's-side door to throw his wrapped-up burrito remnants on the passenger seat. In the three seconds it took me to do so, I realized, Jack had climbed up a curb, hopped the bumper, jumped onto the hood of the car, and was climbing up the windshield, trying to get onto the roof of the car.
On the way home, Sophie said, "Maybe we can go to Dairy Queen tomorrow!"
Yeah. Maybe if DQ offers a kid-sized "horse tranquilizer" blizzard.
Snow? I don't see any snow. It's SPRING!
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