Now Nathaniel has no appendix OR gallbladder!

Tuesday, January 28th was a big, big day for us.
Nathaniel had surgery to remove his gallbladder.
He'd been sick for a few months and tests revealed that he had significant thickening of the walls of that pesky organ, so we saved the date and he went under the knife. Again.

I felt like a marginal asshat after the appendix surgery, when I asked with gentle articulateness if I might keep the organ and the conversation went something like this:

Dr. Surgeon: well, that about covers all the information about the surgery; do you have any other questions or concerns?

Lara: Can I have it?!

Dr. Surgeon: What?

Nathaniel: She wants to know if she can have my appendix.

(insert long pause and a room full of blank-faced medical staff.)

Dr. Surgeon: No.

Lara: Can you at least take a picture of it for me? I brought my camera!

Dr. Surgeon: Ohhhkay...

This time I employed more hospital room etiquette and went straight into a request for pictures.

Nathaniel is presently sore, but doing well. His gallbladder looked like a giant slug. No wonder he felt sick.

Iowa! New Hampshire! Iowa! New Hampshire!

A person barely need flip beyond the radiant blip that is CNN to ascertain that the news out of Ohio today has brought the upcoming presidential election into sharp focus.

Emerging as victors in Iowa, Huckabee and Obama still face an arduous tug-of war against the opposing candidates for their respective party nominations.

I spent a portion of the day viewing political news and analysis, along with *BREAKING!!!!!* news tidbits from CNN. As a result, I have determined that both Huckabee and Obama's ongoing campaigns fail to address issues of compelling concern to the general American public. Based on my observations of what comprises "newsworthy" subjects (via CNN,) I submit that in order to address the REAL concerns of the public, the winning candidate must develop plans to address:

1. The need to properly secure tigers in their cages at zoos to prevent the animals' escape and ensuing massacre of innocent civilian zoo-goers.

2. Britney Spear's myriad chemical and mental health issues. Clearly, her every action has apocalyptic impact on the welfare of our greater nation. I could not eat my lunch today due to the fact that there was Britney-drama ongoing. I was immensely distraught and became light-headed and nauseous due to my overwhelming distress.

3. Speculation. There is not enough speculating going on in this country. We need more people to do more speculating. About everything. Speculating solves problems.

4. The weather. The weather is REALLY shitty in a number of locations, nationwide. The effective presidential candidate will develop a plan to fix it. It would be particularly advisable (hint, hint, Obama...) if they could promise to make it rain apricot nectar and snow colors.

5. Someone needs to dissect the window-washer who fell approximately 300 stories and survived. I find it thoroughly difficult to comprehend how not a SINGLE presidential candidate has noted the likelihood that this man has bionic technology inside his body and should be taken apart to acquire the technology for military purposes.

6. Amy Fisher's sex tape. There are some people who should simply not be circulating sex tapes involving themselves. I think Amy Fisher qualifies. Also, Dustin Diamond. We need legislation banning Fisher and Diamond from circulating any nude images of themselves.

7. Jamie Lynn Spears' pregnancy. Since she's famous and makes about 150 times more money than an average adult, her condition counts as 150 teen pregnancies. That's really gross. Candidates need to develop a plan for preventing fornication among Nickelodeon tween-stars.

That' s a start, anyway. I'm not being paid as a campaign strategist, so if any candidates would like further advice on how to topple the opposition this November, they'll have to contact me directly to make arrangements.
I will add, though, (as a little bonus) that Huckabee needs to change his name. It's waaay too easy to mock. It's so easy it's not even fun.

I will tell you what being 30 is about: It is about throwing up.

I have been thirty years old for approximately two days now. Of those two days, fifty percent of my time has been consumed by the stomach flu from hell.

No one tells you that once you turn thirty, half your life will be spent embracing the toilet bowl as though it were a cold porcelain mother that never hugs you back. Well, for those of you still under the age, I offer you TRUTHS that those over thirty NEVER warn you of. Based on my own personal assessments, I have gleaned that when you reach the age of thirty, you will experience:

One chapped lip. Not two, just one. The top one.

Profuse stomach cramps and vomiting (or an urgent, frustrating, unrequited need to puke.)

A profound dislike of birthday cake (unrelated to the flu, most likely related to having eaten half your body weight in cake on the day of celebration.)

Uncontrollable urges to tell other people (in their twenties) that they will understand "when they are thirty."

A frequent need to locate at least two mirrors in your house, in order to ascertain if you have suddenly acquired a "mom butt."

Your tailbone will hurt. This may be due to the fact that you have propped a video rocker on the seat of your desk chair to achieve the height necessary to reach your keyboard, rather than buy an adjustable desk chair. Or it's just because you're thirty. Probably the latter.

You will start thinking things like, "I should probably start doing kegels," and "I wonder how long I will keep all my original teeth?" This is just creepy.

You will face the painful realization that you weren't a teenager "a few years ago," but rather "half your life ago". On the upside, this places more psychological distance between the you of now, and the you with bad eighties bangs.

Your kids will remind you that thirty is REALLY OLD! Then, you will necessarily remind them that you may be old, but they still can't outrun you, and you know where the haircutting paraphernalia is.

I Have Been Science-ing and Have Made Profound Discoveries.

I have always considered science to be an area in which I am less than prone to brilliance. I am turning thirty in couple of weeks, and have been examining myself in all sorts of existential, aesthetic, and aromatic regards.

I have determined that one of the foremost efforts I would like to make in bettering myself concerns my well-roundedness. Not my boobs, tyvm, but my overall knowledge and versatility as a human being.

As such, I spent a length of time today (approximately an hour and a half) engaged in lofty scientific thought and hypothesis and have realized that it is really not that difficult to unearth novel and startling assertions of the nature of scientific stuff.

Thus, I present to you:

LARA'S LIST OF STUNNING SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERATIONS

1. Tryptophan causes strep throat.

Evidence: Last week, I ate a lot of turkey. Turkey has tryptophan in it. I have strep throat.
Formulaicly: T(tryptophan) + E (eating of it) = ST[cr] (strep throat and possibly crying)

2. Microwave popcorn manufacturers are financially backed by prosthetic arm manufacturers.

Evidence: I was making some popcorn. I opened the bag. Steam poured out and burned my arm, causing me to swing the viciously stinging appendage in a haphazard manner, slamming it into the side of the microwave off of which a large bowl fell, shattering into large, dagger-sharp pieces which could have severed my arm. I would have needed a prosthetic arm, had mine been severed and impossible to reattach. Prosthetic arms are expensive.

Formulaicly: Mp(microwave popcorn) + C (cooking it) + SoAwBfoM (slicing off arm with bowl that fell off microwave) = P (prosthetic arm)

3. George Bush stole the turn signal from my minivan.

Evidence: Someone stole the turn signal off my minivan while it was parked in our driveway. I have seen no reference to Bush's whereabouts at the time my blinker light was stolen. Bush's car seems to have a turn signal. Bush likes to steal things like oil and our children's legacy.

Formulaicly: Mt (missing turn signal) + Nba (no Bush alibi) + Bt (Bush has a turn signal) + Bs (Bush is a stealer) = BsT (Bush stole my turn signal.)

4. I could totally take Condoleeza Rice.

Evidence: I am a lot taller than Condoleeza Rice. I am a lot younger than Condoleeza Rice. I have much cheaper clothing and shoes than Condoleeza Rice, and would not care if they were damaged in a scrap with her.

Formulaicly: T(taller than CR) + Y (younger than CR) Cc (cheaper duds than CR) = Tt (I could totally take Condoleeza Rice.)

5. Changing diapers is a man's job.

Evidence: Diapers, like men, are prone to horrific odors. Diaper changing involves spatial skills (which are typically a male-oriented strength) due to the necessity of proper orientation of the diaper and tabs. Men typically have better arm strength- a necessity for baby butt lifting at the wiping stage of a diaper change.

Formulaicly: O(parallel incidence of male/diaper odors) + S (male spatial skills) + As (superior male arm strength) = Md (men are better designed for the task of changing diapers)


There you have it- scientific delineations of a profound nature from a new, more well-rounded Lara. Tomorrow, I may tackle the intricacies of mathematic principles, using many large numbers and symbols including +, %, /, and my personal favorite, these things: [ ]

It's almost that season; time for gift lists!

Every year, family members request I supply lists of items my spawn would appreciate receiving during holiday gift exchanges. I understand their logic; providing some guidelines for what the kids are presently "in to" or in need of is a helpful way to streamline shopping and assure that purchases are aptly selected.

Nevertheless, every year the kids accumulate a daunting amount of toys, clothes, and other goodies, and ultimately end up favoring items I'd never have expected them to.

This year, I'm reflecting on what my kids REALLY like to do and which things they actually find use for, and I'm basing my lists off these insights. Mom, dad, grandparents, I humbly submit:

"THE KIDS' CHRISTMAS LISTS. '07 EDITION."

NOEL
Clothing:
-Jeans with rips in the knees and draggy-pieces hanging off the ankles.
-T-shirts that are too small and have extremely ugly dragons on them.
-Socks that have enough elasticity in the ankles to be employed as slingshots, aimed at Sophie's head.
-A jacket without a hood that is entirely insufficient for our winter climate, the use of which will probably result in his sustaining frostbite, frostnip, or some kind of weather-related rash.
Toys:
-Balls of lint to add to the growing collection under his bed.
-Electrical cords. It doesn't matter what they attach to, he just really likes to have a lot of loose cords laying around his room.
-Any book focused on bodily functions/excrement/flatulence, etc.
-America's Funniest Home Videos on DVD. Somehow the unfunniest show on television NEVER gets old, where he's concerned.
SOPHIE
Clothing:
-Tights sufficient to clothe a small dance troupe.
-Underwear that is one size too small.
-Jeans that are about two inches too short. (If they fit appropriately, she will insist they are "too big.")
-Formal gowns (for daily wear).
Toys:
-My make-up
-My bras
-My scarves, gloves, and hats.
-Naked Barbies
-Glass cleaning wipes.
-Whatever toilet paper is most likely to clog up our plumbing.
JACK
Clothing:
-Shoes that can easily be removed and tossed during grocery shopping trips.
-Hats with tassles that can be chewed to a crusty nub.
-Shirts with collars that can be chewed to crusty nubs.
Toys:
-Pan lids.
-A toilet.
-A box of crackers that can accommodate the size of Jack's head.
-A clothes hamper for throwing garbage in.
-A garbage for throwing clothes in.
-The mailman.
-Grasshoppers.

I hope this helps! I wish you the best of luck in your shopping endeavors.

How well do you know Minnesota law?

Laws :the delineation of rules that serve to protect and better us as a society and as individuals.

Without them, chaos would ensue like a game of first-grade dodgeball gone horribly awry. Or like the early-bird sale at Wal-Mart on Black Friday, if the amassed psychotic shoppers were further agitated by meth-laced sugar cookies and promises of dollar-off coupons for Aqua Dots.

How well do you know the laws with which you must comply? In the state of Minnesota, we have many compelling obligations as citizens. I accept, among my responsibilities, the duty to enlighten you, with regard to a few of the most pressing and affecting laws on the books.

In the land of 10,00 lakes:

It is illegal to stand around any building without a good reason to be there.
(People do this ALL the time. Look at their faces; they know they're guilty. They WANT to be helped.)

It is illegal to sleep naked.
(I'm not entirely opposed to this idea applying to the likes of Norm Coleman.)

Citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head.
(This has been a real problem. It is also why I have (unsuccessfully) lobbied for a border patrol presence on the Blatnik and Bong bridges.)

Red cars may not drive down Lake Street. (Minneapolis)
(Maroon is fine, but NOT red. Obviously. Only brazen, garish sorts of people would do this, anyway.)

Driving a truck with dirty tires is considered a public nuisance. (Minnetonka)
(This might be the crowning centerpiece of Michelle Bachmann's legislative efforts.)

Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays. (St. Cloud)
(Beef, in general, is an affront to the baby Jesus. Patties are, as well. Put them together and you have HERESY!)

Texas, however offers some equally stringent and important instances of legal prowess:

In the Lonestar state:

It is illegal to sell one's eye.
(Because then someone else could see all your thoughts.)

A program has been created in the state that attempts to control the weather.
(I don't know why this is a "law"; regardless, Texas would like it to rain orange Hi-C, and efforts are underway to make it so.)

Up to a felony charge can be levied for promoting the use of, or owning more than six dildos.
(Five is Godly. Six is just whorish.)

The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
(Also, because it suggests that weather is an uncontrollable phenomenon. Liars!)

It is illegal to dust any public building with a feather duster. (Clarendon)
(This is actually an evil plot between the city of Clarendon and the manufacturer of the Swiffer line of products, to take over the world.)

A recently passed anti-crime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
(It's only polite, really, y'all.)

While some citizens mockingly disregard these legal covenants, that doesn't mean we have to allow the further perpetuation of such egregious behavior, watching helplessly as anarchy commences to overtake our communities. The next time you see someone driving a truck with dirty tires in Minnetonka, do the responsible thing; run them off the road and make a citizen's arrest.

The world can be a better place when we all step up to assure our laws are being respected.

Link to my article in Exceptional Parent Magazine:

I wrote an article for the magazine which was published in the November online edition.
It's not humorous, but a depiction of my experiences as the mom of a child with Downs, from diagnosis to the present. From the link, click on "read more," under "top story".

You can cut and paste the following to access the article:

http://www.eparent.com/main_channels_family_community/
Extra_Chromosome.asp